Sh--t Happens
(as explained by religions and philosopy)

Original List, as quoted in many sources

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, remember all shit is an illusion.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you deserve it.
Protestantism: Work harder or shit will happen.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Modern Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
Atheism: I can’t believe this shit!
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens; maybe it doesn't.
Relaxed Agnosticism: I don't really know if shit is happening, and I don't really care.
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit!

More Abrahamic Religions

Fundamentalism: You BETTER believe this shit.
Christian Fundamentalism: According to the BIBLE, God made all shit.
Christian Creation Science: We have proof that God created all the shit that happens.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Amish: If shit happens, plow it under.
Jehovah's Witnesses: (knock knock) Shit happens; Jehovah is the only way out of the shit. Would you like to buy this issue of Watchtower?
Baptist: LORD, God of hosts, under whose guidance and care this shit will pass and happen to someone else, we give thanks to thee for thy protection.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Lutheranism: Yes, shit happens, but don't talk about it.
Episcopalianism: Fecal matter occurs.
Seventh Day Adventist: Shit never happens on Saturdays.
Christian Deliverance Ministries: This shit is all due to demonic influence and generational curses.
TV Evangelism: Keep sending us money, so that we can continue to spread our "good news" shit about the gospel.

Paganism, Wicca, Magical, etc.

Mainstream Wiccan: An’ it harm none, let shit happen.
Gardenarian Wicca: Shit happens in degrees.
Alexandrian Wicca: Shit happens because it's in the BOS Alex Sanders got from a Gardnarian.
Traditionalist Wicca: My shit is oathbound.
Fam-Trad: I inherited my shit.
Seax-Wicca: Our tradition does have new shit.
Snowflake Wiccan: Balance the energies of your shit; anyone can do it, but I'm especially good at it.
New Age: Affirm Shit!
Spirit Workers: If shit happens, we call the spirits.
Wiccans Who Follow the Law of Return: If you dump shit on someone, then shit will come back to you.
Wiccans/Witches: Who Do NOT Follow the Law of Return: I can dump shit on someone with no consequences.
Old School HPS or HP: Own your own shit.
Druid: Shit happens in groves.
Witch: I can use this shit.
Neo-Pagan Pantheism: Shit happens. And is a part of Nature.
Dianic Wiccan: Shit happens when men are around.
Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit. It's almost mystical.
Reconstructionist Polythesist: This is how they handled their shit in pre-Christian ___ ( insert historical culture ie Helenistic, Roman, Egyptian) culture.
Discordianism: This MIGHT be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1955 Mustang.
Techno-Pagan: This shit always happens when I'm online.
Eco-Feminist: We've got to clean up this shit.
Newbie/seeker: I don't understand some of this shit.
Ceremonial Magician: This shit should be hard to understand.
Eclectic: We make our own shit.
Organic Pagan Gardener: If shit happens, make compost to use in the herb garden.
Modern American Wiccan: We'll fight to keep our constitutionally guaranteed freedom to our shit.
Norse: If shit happens, beat the crap out of it in the name of Odin!
Atheist Earth-Centered Magician: If the shit hits the fan, DUCK!
Ouija: S-H-I-T-H-A-P-P-E-N-S

Other Major Religions and Philosophies

Confucianism: Confucius says, "If shit is happening, let it happen properly."
Jainism: Don't step on the shit; that's alive!
Sufism: Shit! Watch where you dance!
Hare Krishna: Shit happens. Rama Rama. Ding-dong. Hare Hare.
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of shit happening?
Existentialism: But what is shit?
Baha'ism: All shit is truly shit.
Modern Objectivism: Shit is shit.
Nihilism: No shit.

African Diaspora Religions and Magical Systems

Hoodooists: I can lay a hex--or cross an enemy's foot-track with shit--if it is justified while reciting Psalm 1. Afterwards, I pour the hyssop-water over my head and recite Psalm 51.
Conjure/hoodooism: Shit doesn't "just happen"--somebody dumped it on you. Here's a wash to take it off for $3.99.
NOLA Voodoo: We just lo-o-o-v-v-e our New Orleans Voodoo shit!
Haitian Vodou: Unless you come to Haiti to study and initiate, keep your hands off our Haitian shit.
Santeria: Ah, chicken-shit.

Religions of the World
Humor in Wicca
"Yet Another Wicca..." home page