Q: How many Gardnerians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that's an oath bound secret.
Q: How many Alexandrians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We'll let you know as soon as we steal it from the Gardnerians.
Q: Is it necessary for an Alexandrian priestess to balance her chakras and draw up the Kundalini energy prior to installing a light bulb?
A: That's 3rd degree material. I can't discuss it with you.
Q: How many Protean Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I can't tell you; we never change the light bulb the same way twice.
Q: How many Protean Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. They keep changing how they install a light bulb in order to "touch immanence."... Besides, some
of us don't think they're really Gardnerians; their lineage couldn't be valid.
Q: How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We never change the light bulb the same way twice. You don't neccessarily have to change the light bulb exactly the same way Gardner wrote
about changing it, but you do have to do what Gardner did--which is change the light bulb.
Q: How many Hard Gards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you were an initiate, you wouldn't have to ask that.
Q: How many liberal Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Like most of the Gardnerian materials from the Gardnerian Book of Shadows, that's already been published.
Q: How many hardline Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I can neither confirm nor deny that Gardnerians change light bulbs.
Q: How many old fashioned witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If candles were good enough for my great-grandmother whenever she worked with her spirits and read the tarot,
they're good enough for me.
Q: How many Progressive Witchcraft witches [wiccans] does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: One--and she or he just usually uses a step-stool.
Q: How many swamp witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I just use my granny's old fashioned huricane oil lamp like she did.
Q: How many Asatruar [Asatru members, Viking/Norse Paganism] does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.
Q: How many Feminist Dianic women does it take to change in a light bulb?
A: That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and it's not a joke!
Q: How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a light bulb?
A: She can change her own bulb whenever she is empowered to do so.
Q: How many Reclaiming Tradition Witches [Wiccans] does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes five to fully examine the following issues and achieve consensus. One to suggest that everyone focus on
whatever visualization "feels" right. One to add there is no true way to change a light bulb. One to point out
that are people in third world villages that don't even have light bulbs. One to suggest they need to come to
consensus on who is changing the light bulb. And one to bring up a more empowering way to change the next light bulb.
Q: How many Traditional Wiccans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve coven members, consisting entirely of man to woman working couples to maximize the polarity of the positive/male charge to negative/female
charge; a thirteenth coven member will serve to direct the natural energy flow.
Q: How many years does it take a High Priestess to change a light bulb?
A: That's the Maiden's job. She's supposed to take care of changing the light bulb when setting up the circle for ritual.
Q: How many years does it take White-Lighters to change a light bulb?
A: Look deep within and find your purity of your pure essence; that will tell you how long it will take.
Q:How many years does it take a Gardnerian to change a light bulb?
A: Well, a year and a day in an Outer Grove [Outer Court], a year and a day at First degree, a year and a day at Second degree, but only Third degrees can actually change light bulbs.
Q: How many years does it take a kitchen witch to change a light bulb?
A: I did it before I baked the cookies.
Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't they screw in light bulbs, I think they screw in groves.
Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Usually three or thirteen--or nine or five... There's no "wrong" way, but it's often done in sacred numbers. As soon as everyone arrives, we can--wait wasn't
circle to begin at 2pm?? it's 3:30!!! We'll have to revisit this light bulb issue sometime after circle.
Q: How many Discordian Neo-Pagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four tons.
Q: How many Lesbian-separatist Goddess worshipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to dicuss about how much better it is when wimmin are responsible for their own enlightenment, and one to actually screw the light bulb in.
Q: How many British Traditional Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A full coven of about 8 to 13 coven members. Only one changes the bulb; the rest of the coven mourns the passing of the old bulb.
Q: How many Fam-trad witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Go ask your own grandmother!
Q: How many Dianic Lesbian Witches does it take to screw in...
A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
Q: How many Seax-Wica witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I dunno let me check in "The Tree: The Complete Book of Saxon Witchcraft"; oh, wait, I think Buckland wrote something about that in his "Practical Light
Bulb Changing."
Q: How many ADF Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.
Q: How many Nova Romani [Roman Reconstructionists] does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them. One to change it and the rest to stand around and talk about how it could have been done better.
Q: How many Kemetics [Egyptian Reconstructionists] does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't they use those Egyptian/Mid-Eastern style oil lamps?
Q: How many CUUPs members [Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans] does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depending on the CUUPS Chapter, the answer is:
Q: How many enthusiastic Fluffy Bunnies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, we mostly just cuddle and hop, but one of us can change a light bulb. (All bunnies) Me! Me! Me! Let me do it!
Q: How many Neo-Pagans does it take to change a fuse so the light bulb will work?
A. None...A Neo-Pagan just phones a professional electrician--who's also Neo-Pagan--and keeps the money in their own
community.
Q: How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (if they actually ask "how many?", drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
Q: How many Eclectic Neo-Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; a bunch of them sit humming in a circle and the bulb changes itself.
Q: How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Into what?
Q: How many Enochians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one--however--it takes a lot of dedication to just get the basics down. Often, the light bulb can be installed
only after the student has spent 12 years
studying the truth of the light bulb and its secret history under a master.
Q: How many Hermetics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The roots of Hermetic Philosophy lie within the mystery schools of ancient Egypt. Take, for instance, light: light
that we can see--the visible. If you have ever looked inside a light bulb while it is off, you will see two posts with
a small piece of coiled wire inside. This illustrates the Principle of Polarity. We see polarity all around us and refer
to it every day: light and dark, loud and quiet, hot and cold, positive and negative. All these pairs differ only by
degree. Light and dark differ only in the
rate of vibration. Understanding is everything. If we wish to change something from dark to light, negative to positive,
then we must recognize that it is the same thing, but it is at a different rate of vibration. Once this is realized,
it is possible to change the light bulb.
Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One changes the light bulb. The other four share in the spiritual experience.
Q: How many New Age teachers does it take to teach a student to change a light bulb?
A: Probably the same number as the Wiccan teachers--but the workshops will cost about one decimal point more.
Q: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I can't possibly explain that now. Mercury's retrograde!
Q: How many New Agers at a gem show does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't bother with changing light bulbs; we just send positive thoughts at our quartz crystals until they glow.
Q: How many witch queens does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; she stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around her.
Q: How many New Age gurus does it take to screw in a light bulb.
A: Just one. He sits in the center with the light bulb over his head. His devotees pick up his teaching seat and
walk counter clockwise as he screws the light bulb in.
Q: How many Frost's "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: According to their ad: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete
Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course with real knowledge that you can apply to ANY light bulb
ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
Q: How many Frost's "School of Wicca" withces does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Haven't read the Frost's Good Witch Bible. Didn't take their course. But somebody said something about
magical phalli dildoes being used to prepare female witches to screw. I don't know how many witches are involved,
or what dildoes have to do with light bulbs.
Q: How many left-hand-tantrics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but they have to be very small. Oh, and the woman also has to start out sitting to the left side of the man.
Q: How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one--but first he has to doubt the light bulb is actually burnt out and tests it by repeatedly flipping the
light switch.
Q: How many Neo-Pagan "wannabe comics" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. One to change the bulb and 99 to retell stupid jokes about it...